I just could't say yes anymore

hey everyone!

did you enjoy ur raining season? me? em well as you know, i love rainy day. but with my working life, i have no oppurtunities to enjoy it. it even cause me become deppresed because i have to work on da rainy day. especially when you have to oncall in the weekend with rains pouring down cats and dogs.

im sure all of you want to see the update for my crazy life rite? it is still crazy, even much much more crazy than before. 2 years ago, i was so in love with obgyn. i even saw myself being part of them in da future. but after almost 3 months with them, too much flaws i saw. and i just can not accept the fact that all the mismanagement that occured in ward or in labour room was caused by us which also known as hamba orang (ho). when we did a mistake, they will bang the whole world about it. are we the bunch of people that only know how to make a mistake. it's hurt you know to accept the fact that the thing that you love 2 years ago now seem to be like an enemy to me. it really2 hurt.

but like what i always said before, life must go on. keep on put the smile on your face no matter how cruel they are. let them know that you are strong.

deeply from my heart,

isyania

alive

just to tell the world that i am still alive.....

well....it is quite true

hey everyone!

i found this in FB. someone wrote this and seriously, it is interesting to be shared with all of you.

.........................................

Criterias for becoming a Malaysian Govt Doctor. Theres no need for an aptitude test. Students should consider these requirements:

1. No life outside medicine; this includes dating, sports, clubbing, chores for your parents and visiting the toilet

2. Not to live with your parents. Move out ASAP as they will never understand the ludicrous working hours that u go through. Furthermore, chores are not suitable for u as to rule No. 1.

3. Not to be married until completion of all 4 years of Govt Compulsory service as u will be transferred left and right to some of the most remote Govt clinics in Malaysia. Having wife and kids to follow you to your new working area may increase high level of stress on all parties. Furthermore, if your spouse is a Govt Doctor, he/she will also be transferred away from u and no matter what appeal is made, KKM will put up a deaf ear (unless u have big cables or of a certain skin color).

4. If married, no to have children until u finish all 4 years of Govt Compulsory service, as to which u and your spouse will not have much time for your child/children or they end up not recognizing u and refer the Indonesian maid as their mother (change in language patterns commonly follow).

5. To obtain life insurance once your govt service begins as there is not many claims for accidents during work. Don't be fooled, Doctoring in Malaysia is hazardous.

6. Able to withstand 36 hours of non stop work and stress without mistakenly labeling Left for Right or uvula for vulva (or Volvo S40)

7. To buy a car with complete safety features (like I'm doing) which includes multiple airbags, ABS, EBD, side-front-rear-top-parallel and diagonal impact bars and seat belts to ensure survivability if u are involved in an accident because your driving resembled a drunkard maniac after working in the hospital for 40 hrs non stop.

8. Constant supply of coffee

9. Nicotine Patch as u will have the urge to start smoking due to overwhelming stress

10. Interest in watching medical sitcoms such as House MD, Scrubs, ER, Grays Anatomy and Chicago Hope to inspire u to continue your life as a doctor as the exciting things u see on TV does not resemble the real life of a Malaysian govt doctor.

11. Not to have any pets or plants (not even cactuses) as u will have no time to feed or care for them and eventually all will end up in your mortuary.

12. Able to endure the stench of your own sweat as to when 36 hours "on call" does not permit u time to bathe or freshen up.

13. Able to carry on working without food or water over 15 hours. ( I was in OT for 16 hrs without food, water or bathroom breaks). If during fasting month, able to break your fast with ?water for injection? as u had no time to buy food.

14. Able to come to work with fever/cough/illness or physical disability (sprained ankle etc) as to which doctors do not deserve MCs. (My MO was on crutches during rounds)

15. Able to stand scolding, destructive criticism, kiss ass behaviors, racial bias, finger pointing, scape goating, and in competency from your superiors.

16. Able to withstand the jealousy when your friends call u up for some fun and ur stuck in the hospital during on call.?

well....it is quite true. i encountered some similar condition during my training. i even had one nurses, helping me to break my fast during ramadhan by inserting one dates into my mouth because that time i was busy putting the catheter to one unstable male that need to be send to ICU STAT! my right hand was holding the catheter and my left hand was holding the thing that u r imagine in ur head right now.

because of that reasons.......i put all the mo and specialist high up. for me, they are the strongest persons that i've ever met in my life. able to going through all the difficulties to reach that spot. and i do hope, i will be on that spot one day.

isya nia....fighting!!!!

p/s: the no 9 was not related with me at all because i'm not a smoker.

a letter

"to my dear right middle and index fingers, im really really sorry for giving both of you such a hardtime. i know the workload that i've given to u are beyond you imagination. but what can i do, when other people are also relying on you. but trust me sayang, just try to bear with it for another 4 months, then we will be free (insyaAllah)."

the commonest things that need this two fingers are:

1-peace sign
usually been use while posing in front of camera.

2-VE
what VE stand for??? it's vagina examination.

and trust me, that is my daily routine because currently i am in Obstetric and Gynaecology posting. just 4 days of life in this posting, my two fingers already in pain. still can feel the spasm of the muscle of my right arm. i just couldn't count how many VE i've done. how many baby i help to bring them safely to this world. how many times i was sitting in between two legs, try to repair the damage after delivery.

during my student time, i did ask 1 HO about the feeling, sitting there while repairing someone's vagina in 3 am. and you know his answer?

"wordless"

i hate doing that. it is a dirty job. it mix with blood, liqour and human feces. and of course, this three combination produce such a 'dolce&gabbana, lancome and gucci' perfume. my my nose only around 15-20cm from the source, nicely been covered with 1 face mask that only get rid 20-30% of the smell. but when i started doing it, i will give my very best to repair it. why? because i am a human plus i am a woman. when i want to wear a shirt or baju kurung, i'll wear those that suit, well made and fit enough with my body. so, when i repair the damage, i put my feeling into the patients. of course, if i was in patient's situation, i will always wish for the best. and that feeling keep me awake and alert while doing the repair.

so at the end, although i keep cursing myself for doing this kind of job.... i end it with satisfaction. looking at those well stitches vagina made by my dearly two hands. a masterpiece. haha

my advice to all woman in this world, plz kindly give extra care to you vahjayjay...it is a gift from god. we need to appreciate it's beauty and it's magic. because we are human, so into beautiful things. right?

emmm...... am i to open talking about it????

a sweet bye bye for medical

alhamdulillah....

complete 1 killer posting i guess. got 5 to go.

as u know, i started my career as a doctor with medical posting. everyone around me kept telling me how lucky i am to start my housemanship training with medical posting. at least, i will face the common illness in society, plus there is a lot of procedures that i can hands on and manage them medically.

well, because of that, i kept praising to god, how beautiful HE arrange my life. but, to get the sweetness from medical posting, i have to go through so many disgusting and heart wreaking situation in my life. how i face the 1st death in my life, how a patient that happily talking to me, then later drop dead in front of me, and entertained so many weird behaviour and request from a creature named human. but i took all of them as a challenge to me and try to gain something from them.

the first 3 months in medical......

i kept cursing this posting. i didn't see at all the beautiful things about medical until i was been posted in isolation wad, managing less than 5 patients and being alone, depending only to me and myself.

yes, i am lucky because i have a small number of patient to be taken care of.

but, being alone there, really teach me something. at least, i know how to be independent without my colleague to back me up. and i like it. plus...i got someone that really really good in teaching. *twink twink

but when i just started to enjoy the sweetness of medical....

my time with them goes to the end. at least during this 4 months of posting, i did learn a lot. very valuable stuffs to help me to survive later in another posting.

medical is a nice posting. maybe, one day, i'll end up being medical speacialist. who knows rite? well good bye medical. gonna miss u and all the wonderful people in medical.

p/s: gonna miss ur scent, ur laugh an ur voice.

i told my mum

i told my mum....i like old guy. not just 2-3 years older, but 8-10+ years older than me. and my mum gone crazy.

i told my mum....i like chubby guy. and my mum said..it is acceptable.

i told my mum....i like 'buncit' guy. but not as buncit as 8 months pregnant lady. and my mum said....as u wish my dear.

i told my mum...i had a crush and i can see she's smiling to me. because i never talk 'guys' with her.

and i told my mum...i had a crush to a wrong guy. and with a very serious face....she said to me, "better stop now or u will suffer later".

it is just one sided crush...will disappeared over time. i hope.

but honestly, i do love this feeling.

late confession

one guy, 40+ year old, married

an asthmatic patient

during my oncall night, i stay in that ward for the whole night because i was worried about his unstable condition. he had frequent asthma attack. when the attack came, he was like a fish that have been thrown on the ground, gasping for air with blank staring eye. begging for help.

and when the attack resolved, he was so exhausted.

then when i reviewed him again at 2am in the morning, he made a confession. a confession that i think came deeply from his heart. the most sincere confession he ever made in his life.

"doctor, if i can turn back time, i wanna stop smoking or i dont wanna be a smoker at all. i'm not gonna touch it if i know this is what gonna happen to me. i am too exhausted. and i dont think i can stand another attack."

he didn't sleep the whole night. he kept looking at the monitor, that showing his vital signs.

then 1 day later, i got a news that he passed away after having a severe asthma attack. yes, his death leave a mark in my heart. not because of how lovely he was that night, able to laugh with me, but because how his wife react with his death. the specialist took about 30mins to convince the wife that the husband was gone. but she kept saying that his husband will wake up again.

she was in denial state. yesterday she was a wife, then today the title change to a single mother.

and about that confession.....it was a LATE CONFESSION.

i just hate them

salam everyone. im back!!!

there's only 2 weeks left for me to stay in medical department. thank god, i passed the viva session and right now im just concentrate on completing my dear green log book.

well, 3 month + in medical department, i've seen so many patient, with so many complaint and and many 'disgusting' behaviour.

but, that is the reality of my job. treated them with the best knowledge i have.

actually, there's one group of human being that i hate most.

that group name.......the 'hardcore' smoker

i face them everyday. and it become more and more and more because currently i'm in chest team and managing the chest clinic.

i have a lot of reasons to hate them. and i couldnt find any reason to like them.

they smoke everyday. they know smoking cause harm to themselves but they keep on smoking and smoking and smoking. actually, i dont really care about the future outcome for their own action. let them be. because for me, they have a very well sound mind to think about it. and i didnt hate them because of that reason.

i hate them when their illness (that they got from smoking habit) cause problem to others especially their wives and children. sometimes, they came to ward at 3am, because of shortness of breath. and that time, u will see the wife with red eyes came together with a small baby in hand. i dont like seeing that. because the husband seek the problem and drag the wife into it.

but, the no one reason why i hate smoker is....

when i walked in the ward at 2-4am during my oncall, i will see the wife, sleeping on the hard dirty floor to be together with the husband. there's one wife, came to me, begging me to let her husband home because she worried about her 3 years old son while her husband requesting to me to keep him in the ward for the next 2 week and just let him home 2-3 day before raya. the reason.......he dont want to fast. and he never think about the little boy at home.

i not gonna write here about the dangerous effect of smoking. im not gonna touch about the way to stop smoking. because, i dont think im in a correct position to talk about it.

u might think that i should talk about it right?

yes, i am a doctor. but i am a doctor who have a brother that happily smoke 20 sticks per day.

and that is a failure to me. and thinking about my sis in law sleeping on that hard floor already give a chills to me. but, what can i do when they are in the 'hardcore' smoker.

so better stop here. change to mood raya.

SELAMAT HARI RAYA!
MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN....