they wanna tell u a story...

sorry for taking such a long time to upload the picts. although i manage to upload only some of them, at least i can show you all the happy faces around the kenduri in my house. i hope, there's a smile on you face right now.

see ya!

the early morning creatures

what are the things that human loves to do???

for me....i guess sleeping.

well during my working life, i cant denied about the important of enough sleep. before this i can sleep at 1-2am. but now, 930pm is my sleeping time. and i started to appreciate every single time of my life.

during my study time, i prefer to wake up late on weekend. and i believe that other people also love to do the same thing too. but lately, my cycle of life strted at early morning. and i am seeing a new enviroment which i miss for about 24 years.

while driving alone in da middle of subuh....i started to appreciate the early morning creatures that already awake early than me.

the pak cik penjual surat khabar

the old peoples that walking alone to go to surau to perform their subuh prayer

nasi lemak sellers

even the chickens and cows. they woke up early than us.

that time i started to accept what i am doing currently. i have to wake up early every morning but still got a good salary. not like them, which the income not so stable.

and one more thing....

trust me, the sunrise is beautiful.

dear god...i think i am lucky to have this life.

the 3rd death

salam everyone....

personally, i think im a strong tough gurl. although sometimes, i can feel how fragile i am inside but i tried to mask that fragility by showing my confident face to everyone surrounding me.

and it works until i face the 3rd death in my HO life.

he was a young and very nice guy. just got married 3 weeks prior to admission. and i can feel the love that surrounding this young newly wed couple. actually, i was not the one that should reviewed him because he was not in my cubicle. but, that day, i decided to help my friend to review him after completed my job.

and from that, i started to get to know him. yes, he was weak that day. and i know he was not ok. but i kept telling him that everything will be ok. and not like other patients....he just listened to me. there's one episode, he was coughing blood. i came to him, and he was panicked. his eyes showed me how scared he was that time. and i just put my hand on his chest, asked him to breath normally. and just like before....he listened to me.

but later, he was coughing blood again. massively. and only god knows how scared i am that time. i kept telling myself that he wont die. but dear GOD loves him much more than us. and he just gone.

i was there...being the last doctor staying beside him. gaining the courage to pronounce the death to his 3 weeks old wife.

after i pronounced the time of death, i straight away picked my bag and run to my car. but before i reached to my car, i cried. not the usual cry. i just knew him for 1 day, but his kindness and friendlyness already touch me. and his death affect me until now.

may ALLAH blessed him.

AL-FATIHAH

time of my life

wake up at 530am

at hospital at 630am

go back home at 6pm

this is my daily cycle. when i'm in hospital, all i can see is patients. and the life in the ward was so hectic until i combine my breakfast+lunch+dinner into 1. and at the same time, i didnt notice about how time goes by. tup tap tup tap it was 5pm. i am glad that the time fly so fast. so i can go back home and have a nice rest. but at the same time, i noticed something. because of that, i am getting old faster than before.

someone told me that i have no life working as a doctor. and i was so mad about that. i know im busy being an HO (Hamba Orang) until i got so limited time for myself. up until now, i still got no chance to watch one world cup's game completely. miss the chance to support my favourite team. and now i have no time to play sport. i miss all the time when i sweat a lot after the game. drinking the water while laughing with my teammates. i miss all those time. but that is my past life. now im in a new chapter of my life. and im still on da way to adapt it.

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no matter how lame it is, it is my life.

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no matter how plain it is, i'll put some colour on it.

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no matter how silent it is, i'll humming the music

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and no matter how suck it is, i'll accept it, and try to change it.

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you, human.... have no rights at all to say i have no life. everyone got one life. and let him or her decide how he/she wants to colour it.

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so please....i got my life. it is beautiful on it's own way.

the first death

when i was a kid, there's someone that always come to my house, spent a few nights and then disappeared. i never asked my parents about him. cause i believe that, he might be someone that my parents know, or maybe have a blood relationship with us. when he came, he just took a small space in my living room, prepared his rokok daun and started smoking.i can still remember how the rokok daun was on his lips, and how he was wearing his serban. when we have our dinner or lunch, he will join us. and my parents treated him like a family. and again, i have no urge at all to ask my parent about who he is.

and then time goes by, and a few years later....he disappeared.

.............................................

during my first week of tagging, there was one patient. lying on the bed, motionless. i went through his files, and noted that he was mental retarded and came in with COAD (chronic obstructive airway disease), hirschprung disease, with intestinal obstructive symptoms. he looked so ill, thin and was placed in acute bed.

one day, his blood pressure went down. and i noted it. so i called the MO, telling her about his condition. then my MO noted that he was not for intubation cause he was a COAD patient. if once intubated, it might be difficult to take it out. because the COAD patients had some problem with regulation of CO2 and O2 in their body. so, i take the order, and just observed from the table.

later, the blood pressure was going down again. worse than before. and i know, the prognosis was not so good. so we talked with his relatives, either they want active resuscitation or not. they picked active.

while waiting for maghrib, i went to his bed again. checking the blood pressure. everything is lowish. he was hypotensive and the SPO2 also not good. then i talked again to his relative, telling her about his current state. while talking to his relative, i asked about where she came from.

then the story began. she live in the same village with this patient. and that village was the area where my mother came from. asked again a few things. then i got a clear view that this patient was my father's 'sibling'. my father lived with his father during his single time. shocked state.

after my magrib prayer, i went to his bed again. this time, asystole. we did the CPR for 30mins, but he never came back. the time of death....840pm.

at home, a told my parents about him...and then more shoking things happen. he was THAT GUY. the guy that came in to my house, slept and smoke in my living room, and the one that i never had an urge to asked my parents about who he was.

GOD created the storyline beautifully rite? who knows that im gonna do my first CPR as a doctor to the guy from my past. who knows that the first death that i eccounter in my first week of working life came from a guy that i knew.

when i know about this, nothing else i can do. im working in my hometown. so i cant run from facing my own family, or my relatives or my friends in the hospital.

there will be a lot of coming death that im gonna face. we cant fight it. all in god's hand. so be strong isya!

al-fatihah.....

2 weeks of hell

salam everyone...

yes....im invisible for a quite some time right? but it is ok, im back. im not gonna close this blog just because im so busy with my work. but maybe the frequency of updating this blog will be slower than before. i have to accept the fact that i am no longer a student that can sit in front of my lappy 24/7, surfing the internet and chit chat chut wif my siber friends. so, here i am. to tell you the story of my two weeks of 'hell'.

as usual, for someone that just started working, u have a lot of new things to learn. a lot of new friends to be friend with and a lot of procedure to go through. and u have to catch all those thing faster. if not, u will be left behind, doing nothing. and i just gone through that phase and it was not easy.

in every posting, we will be tagged to one ward for 2 weeks. and u have to be there from 7am till 1030pm. and during that period, there's so many things and jobs to be done. everyone is watching at you, judging either u are good, bad or lazy. so, to be in the ward before 7am, i have to wake up at 530-6am every morning. driving alone in the middle of cold morning, with blood that full with sleeping hormone. to keep my eyes open, i kept telling myself that i woke up that early for good, to help peoples, to save lives, and it worked i guess. hehe

and 1030pm, does not mean that u can go back home straight away. sometime, one patient collapse, and you have to attend it. for me the 1030pm is just a 'syarat'. and i never expect myself to go back at 1030pm. sometimes i arrived home at 12.30am, and woke up again at 530am the next morning. continue the new cycle of life.

am i complaining about it??

nope.

during that 2 weeks of tagging, i can count how many times i was talking to my parents and my siblings. when i arrived home at night, i was just walking straight away to my room. locked the door. i have no courage at all to talk with them. cause i was afraid that im gonna burst into tears and showed to them how weak i am, how pathetic and how fuck my life is. even after my second day of tagging, i was crying alone in the shower, hoping that warm water will washed away all my pain. so, i can wake up the next morning with a new spirit. i am secretive girl. and i am happy to keep it for myself without telling my dear family.for them, i am a brilliant and strong daughter and sister, and i am just wanna keep it that way. so, they dont have to worry about me.

then that two weeks of hell reach to the end. but, nothing much different. im still wake up at 530am, running here and there in that ward, and go back home around 6pm. and if on call, i will go back home the next day at 6pm. nothing much different. but, that is the price that i have to pay to help other people. and i dont care. because when i'm busy and tired helping them, i also found joy in it. the joy that u can not describe it in words. and it has soothing effect to me. help me to be more positive about the road that i am taking right now.

so finally, i found the answer why GOD picked me to be a doctor. because HE believe that i can do it.

sincerely....
isyaNIA