the end of 2009

hi everyone...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

hope, this coming 2010 will bring a new shine to us. amin!

i tried to recall all the good and bad memories about 2009...but nothing came out. all i can say, my 2009 is so plain and empty. of course something did happen to me in 2009. it just that...it did not leave an impact to me. or even a small tiny dot. my life in 2009 is so lame. i didnt have enough time for myself. i didnt have long free holiday to see other places. and my life is surrounded with patients, log books, requirement and presentation. and that is torturing.

after all this thing happen to me...where i should throw the blame.

ME or MEDICAL SCHOOL?

so my aim for 2010. get that DR title and MD degree, have my own salary, car and all the thing that i always 'meleleh air liur and berdarah hidung' when i look at it.

p/s: my results came out. i pass anaest posting, ortho posting and surgery posting. kind of ceria skit skrg.

this week's story

the best opening for this week.

so excited to tell u that we won gold in SIPTAR (sukan antara ipt pantai timur) for netball. from that, i think it is not wrong for me to say that we are the best ipt's netball team for pantai timur right? so damn happy about that. well, this is among the last game that i'll be playing with my netball team.. since, i'll be graduated from usm in 3 months time ( i hope). only two left that i need to be consider to play. one is SUKAD which i played since i was in year 1 in usm. won gold since that.so now, hoping for my fifth gold collection. and the last one is MASUM. i was so disappointed with my involvement in MASUM last year. we lost a lot because of our mistake and also our management's mistake. so, this year is the time to rectify it.

USMKK's netball team is the best team for me. we laughed inside and outside the game, we shared jokes together, we comforted each other when one of us are down. we slept on each other's shoulder. the bond is so strong. and thats make us strong and unbeatable. well teamates...i'm gonna miss all of u like hell, after my uni's life end. im sure about that. because all of u are the colours of my uni's life.

pict update:


p/s: baru dpt sekeping dr yan. cukupla tu ek.

i've made my decision

"Today is the last day to submit the application for for my housemanship training. i've made my decision. i'm positive about it and i hope these choices are the best place for my housemanship training. now, lets pray to god that i'll get hooked with my 1st choice (my priority) or the other two. amin...."

they are part of us

*phone ringing....

mama: salam, watpe kak?

me: hehe duk rest kt bilik je. arini sakit satu bdn. trening td.

mama: ooooo rest la. sapu la minyak2 panas ke. ok skit kot.

me: emmm ok. mak watpe? kema ade lg ke kat umah?

mama: mak saje2 je. tgk tv. kema ade lagi kat umah nih. nak tau satu cite x?

me: cite la...

mama: emm td mak p anto syafiq g PSM (skolah memandu). kema nak ikut, jd mak bwk skali la. lepas abih daftar sume tu, mak anto la syafiq balik umah dia skali ng kema. lepas syafiq ngan kema trun tu, mak trus start keta nak balik. xtau kenapa. keta mcm jadi slow. then, mak tgk cermin pandang blakang. tau ape mak nmpk? mak nampak kema lari sorg diri kejar keta dari belakang. pahtu mak stop, kuar dr keta and kema taye knape tinggal dia. mak xleh jwb pe. masa tu mak nampak syafiq tgk dr jauh.

me: ala sedih ye....(mata bergenang)

this is a story about my mother and my new siblings. i know, they are craving for a love from someone called mother. and i dont mind sharing my mother with them. but then, something happen....

someone was unhappy about the strong bond between my mum and them. and saying something that even made me pissed off. this is the continuation of my want-to-kick-ass post. because of that, i told my mother to reduce the time with them, stop taking them home and trying to treat them like before their parents' death. and she did what i told her. we did that cause we dont want to be mark as 'melebih-lebih'. we want their attention more towards their close blood related relative compared to us.

you might think that im trying to separate my mum with them. but, actually im not. it just that, we was hurt and we are not closely blood related to them compare to that lady. so, we believe that she deserve them more than us. so, before it become worse, we decided to retract back. but, from what was happen today....the more we retract back, the more they run for us.

'

im crying because kema also one of the passenger in that car. that car accident gave him fracture at right femur. the plate was planted inside his thigh. and he still cant walk properly. but today, he ran for my mother, with that unheal limbs.

he touched my heart...he did. just like others. and now, all i can say is...

they are part of us.

private practice

today, i was assigned to go to one of the private clinic in kota bharu for learning purposes and also to fill some empty spaces in my log book.

it is not difficult to find it, and i arrived around 930am. at the door, the front desk lady greet me nicely and told me to go straight to the doctor's room. well...no patient yet but i like the arrangement and design in that clinic. it looks pretty, simple and rich. like u saw in private practices movie. and this clinic is a panel clinic for a lot of companies. so...no wonder it looks 'rich'.

i greet the doctor and stay in that room until i went back to usm. actually, the doctor was so nice to us. she tried her best to teach us anything that she knows. we appreciated it so much. but within that room...i noticed something.

she was uncomfortable with our existence in that room. seriously, i can read it by the way she talked to the patient, and by the way she talked to us. well, it is what was stated in our schedule doctor. if u think our existence in that room made u feel uncomfortable, why u accepted usm's offer at the first place. might be because of money????

from what i experienced today...

GP is the best place for anyone that interested making a lot of money and also, so lazy enough to think about patient's illness and progression. no offense. i said this from what i saw and experienced today.

there's a patient came with painful left thigh swelling with a history of weight lifting a day before and currently, experience pain and cannot perform his work. and as a doctor, what should u do? well, i'll check that swollen area because that is the first complaint. i guess anyone from outside medical world would agree about that right? and the weird thing is...this doctor which i think got a lot of time didn't even take a look at it. straight to the diagnosis and prescription. what u expect? just painkiller and MC.

then a patient came with on and off fever for the past 3 months. sometimes associated with cough. without checking the temperature...straight away prescribed PCM, cough syrup and what-the-hell this antibiotic for? that is what we worried about. too much exposure to antibiotic will produce antibiotic resistance bacteria. and when this bacteria attack your system...with which antibiotic we want to cling for? nothing!

a lot of patient out there came to GP with the hope to be cured. yes, they are the fastest way to get treatment, but bear in mind that, a lot of cases that came to hospital because of GP's prescription. they prescribed anything to you for the sake of money. some of them, u dont even need it. but that's private.

we have been taught about treating our patient as a whole and thoroughly, but when i was in that clinic, all i can say is...they never practice it. if u want to throw away that treating-our-patient-as-a-whole thing, u are suitable to be a GP. yes, u can make a lot of money through it. just imagine <10mins ultrasound(US) of the abdomen with printed photo already cause rm35, if u do 6 US in 1 hour, that's equal to rm210 per hour). that's a lot maaaa. a lot!

well, u can get a lot money from your patients with the reason that you are treating them. but trust me, by doing that, you become disgrace to medical world. from the front, u put a nice face to them, but u are sucking their blood from the back while they are putting their trust on you. but that is our world. money has become a rule for everything.

you can be a GP, you can get a bucket of money, you can say you are treating your patient, but trust me, in the form of doctor....you will never be satisfy.

remember one of twilight's dialogue?

"we live with animal's blood. it just like human living with toofu. it made u full, but u will never satisfied"

well, i can just 'hentam' all of them today because im new and innocent in this medical world. because all the things in my brain has been programmed by my school and lecturers. but actually...i'm afraid that i will be one of them in the future. i hope not. because no one can predict what will happen in future rite?

but, not all GPs are like that. just some of them that forgot the oath that they recited on the day of graduation. so, it is not wrong to go to GP. it just that, be a curious patient. ask about the diagnosis and the prescription. i think it is much much better than stay silent, accept the prescription, pay the bil and out.

dare?

this is a warning!!!

"you know what....i'm a very calm, patient and benign person. but once you step on the line, strike and attack my own mother, i'll make sure that i hit your butt pretty hard until you dont even have a gut to sit on it. dare?"

this post is specially dedicated to someone that think my mum got no protection, that she can throw any 'tut' words towards her. well....i am happily to tell you that you are totally wrong.

when i'm arrived home last thursday...i saw my mum's crying (i didnt notice it until my sis told me). she is so devastated with someone's action. well...for sure i was mad. so damn mad. plus that day i was so tired. i even took a nap at one mosque in jerteh (730-830pm) on da way to go back home. i never did that. this is my first time. so just imagine, tired + saw ur mum was crying = benggang tahap cipan.

i didnt strike back because u r an old lady. i still got respect towards u. but, there will be no space for second time. u strike again...u'll pay for that.

dare?

indecision

tonight, i've been staring at one form for 30mins and i still cant decide which hospital i want to work with. as you know, im in my final year in medical school, already almost at the end of it and now i have to fill one form to apply which hospital that i'm interested to attach with for my housemanship training for two years.

well, last weekend i went back home to discuss about it with my parents and i got different views about it from my mother and my father. hehe actually they always had different thought about almost everything, but quite impressed because the marriage still strong until now. kuasa jodoh tuhan.

ok ok back to my 'problem'....i need to decide within this week. THIS WEEK!. but im still dont know how to decide. i asked my dad but the answer is so simple. he said that he didnt want to interfere with my decision. because he believe that i am matured enough to make my own decision. whatever hospital that i pick, he gonna accept it. and he only can give some opinion in case i need one. thats my father.....one man that i am proud to have as a father. he teach me to be indipendent since i was a kid. and now i think being indipendent has become one part of myself.

different with my mother.....she wants me to be in Terengganu aka hospital sultanah nur zahirah. she wants me to be close to her. she even willingly to cook for me everyday if im working in terengganu. well...i know she is lonely. all children are staying outside terengganu. that's why she wants me to be in terengganu.

actually, HSNZ is already in the list. 1st choice. i pick this hospital because the nearest to my house. but that is not the only reason. i've been living outside of my house since i was 13 years old. now im 23 and it was almost 10 years staying outside and being indipendent. and during that time, i miss a lot of things. especially seeing my parents growing old and being strong time by time. i left my house when they still got black hair, nice smooth skin and now....i noticed there's white hair and wrinkles. and i dont even know when it started to come out.

for the other two empty boxes.....

i've thinking about HUSM because i'm already familiar with the enviroment, it is the 2nd nearest to my hometown, plus i still can involve in sport - the one that afraid most to left behind while im working. it is less busy compare to other KKM hospital, and i can get 'help' from medical students to do my job. plus...it can help me to be the future dean of USM's medical school. haha berangan lebey!. but then...the nurses not as friendly as in KKM. so still in 'comsi comsa'.

hospital putrajaya kind of attractive to my eyes. new hospital. less busy. and easier for me to go back to my hometown by plane. cost a lot of money but fast. so who cares. haha as long as i can get back to my hometown faster.

then....sabah and sarawak. trust me. this two states keep flashing in my head. well, to be excell in clinical skills or surgery and easily promoted for master program and etc.....sabah and sarawak are the best for that. i have a thought about going there since i am still single, free, not married and do not have any commitment to anyone except my father and my mum. so, why dont i try to go there rite? but.....am i ready for that? because i've never stay far from my house except during my matriculation time. tu pun slalu kelentong cari alasan nak balik every month. my school only 15mins from my house. and USM only 2 hours by car. and almost every weekend balik kg.

the other hospital is hospital kuantan. among the nearest to my hometown. considering......hehe

time is running out, and at the end....i have to decide. there's two empty boxes that need to be consider and i guess...i need your help. throw anything that u think better for me. maybe it can help me to decide.

so what should i do now?

continue staring at that blank form again and think.

p/s: oh god....it is quite a long post rite?

a mother and a daughter

mother: kak, makan ape arini?

daughter: hehe mkn nasi, sayur campur ng ayam masak merah. bajet nk buat ayam masak halia, tp halia xde.

mother: kak masak ke?

daughter: hehe a'ah.

mother: aik, kalu kat umah kak x masak pun.

daughter: masak la, mak tu slalu je x mkn. kate da puas mkn ayam la, x de selera la.

mother: mana ade?

daughter: ala lagipun kalu kak balik, kak bukan balik sebab nak makan masakan kak masak sendri. kak nk makan masakan mak. kalu nak makan masakan sendiri, kat hostel pun bleh buat.

mother: pandai ye kak jawab.

daughter: that's why im in medical school. haha

my mum got what-i-can-say OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) behaviour. just because i played a lot with human waste....she kind of trying to avoid eating what i cooked in my house. oooo come on mum....that's why we invented glove and soap in this world. to clean our hands from dirty thing.

hehe this post is specially dedicated to my dearly beautiful mother. muah2x!